global climate change

Hello! Well I am being given a grant by some big oil companies to study global warming. Or as they like to say "just kicking the ol thermostat up a notch. Now, I went in with scientific proposals but the guy from Halliburton said that was not necessary. The important thing was to find conclusions they liked before getting started, then making the conclusions fit in with the science stuff. Easy enough! So without further ado or testing of any sort here are my findings (scientific).

1. Global warming is not real but is just a vast conspiracy of dry cleaners wanting us to wet our pants in fear.

2. Global warming, though not real, will make your popcorn pop fluffier and bigger and crunchier than ever before.

3. Women who are nursing should avoid global warming and nursing while operating heavy machinery.

4. The smug bi-coastal lifestyle will not seem so great, smarty smarty arty farts.

5. Operation Iraqi Liberation is not about petroleum, no matter what the acronym spells.

6. If global warming continues at its current rate, Alan Alda will age naturally and one day die. BUY YOUR MASH Memorabilia NOW!!!

7. According to the boat research council, as waters rise around the world, look for boating to be more popular than ever.

8. Global climate change will help your teeth look their whitest!

9. Global warming is not real. I get paid $10 every time I write that!

10. People who think global climate change is a critical issue are not reading enough US magazine and are being totally speciest, with no aparent appreciation for the vast habitat this will create for amoebas, eels and prehistoric beasts.

SO, for information on how to succeed in an era of global warming and make $10 from everyone you contact, simply send $10 to the PO Box listed at the end of this page. Thanks, and again, global warming is not real. KACHING!